The slow down

Last Tuesday I heard my ankle snap. I had tripped over at work and my ankle had broken in three different places. I was taken to the hospital and my ankle was operated on. Now, with a seven week sick leave I have been forced to slow down and heal my ankle, and gain the strength in my body again.

As a result of a broken ankle, I have received a whole new view point into every day life. I have started looking down at the floor a lot more, and I get really angry about shards of glass on the floor of gas stations or random pieces of clothing lying on the floor. They all make moving more difficult and dangerous. I have to plan my steps carefully, as I walk with crutches. Firstly, because there is a limit to the amount of energy that I have and walking with crutches uses a lot of strength. And secondly, because I am terrified of falling  and possibly hurting my ankle again. Also I need to assess every time that I sit on something, wether or not it is possible for me to get up from that chair/sofa/toilet. If the seat is very low and there is nothing to grab on to for support, then getting up from it might prove to be an impossible challenge. So far, I have always found a way to get up. The human mind can find creative solutions when needed.

I feel my strength rise every day but I also have moments of great frustrations. When everything is aching, or when I get tired by how slow everything is progressing and how limited I am in the things I can do. I would love to go to the grocery store and pick up the stuff that I want to eat myself. Or the luxury of just jumping in the car and going to see your friends requires such a lot of planning and energy that I feel stuck sometimes. I know this is only a temporary thing for me, but it is interesting to have to experience it. Whenever I am sick, I remind myself of how I should not waste time doing the things that really make me happy when I am back healthy. This is another one of those reminders. But the reminder is a double edged sword, very useful to light the fire under my ass, but also it can hurt me when I know there are so many areas of my life, that I am not content with, and that I need to work towards changing. The biggest unresolved issues in my life at the moment are my unfinished master's degree, the lack of romantic love in my life and my financial situation. The struggle for me sometimes is looking past the feeling of failure at the amazing possibilities I have in my life.

Loosing you health forces you to slow down. I have had to cancel a lot of the things that I love, to prioritize healing. Cutting off improv has been really hard for me, as there have been a lot of interesting improv things going on recently as Gael Doorneweerd-Perry, who is one of my favourite improv teachers, is touring Finland with his wife Laura teaching a variety of interesting workshops. Even now I am trying to plan, how I would be able to participate in a workshop in Oulu. We shall see if it happens. But I think something like seeing my improv heros would be a good thing for me to look forward to. A beacon of inspiration. Even if I would just end up sitting and observing through the whole workshop.

I have also had to cancel two trips to Tallinn, one work-related, and another one to attend the Tallinn improv festival. But wobbling on the cobble-stoned streets of Tallinn old town does not seem like a realistic thing for me to do just in a few weeks, so I have to go with what is actually realistic: daydreaming of future travel at home with a bar of chocolate and some nice Rooibos. It's definetely a slow down for me, but maybe it is also a good chance to reflect on my life. What is it that I want to focus on? What's important?

"Tuntuu niin kuin jalkapohjassa  olisi veitsi, tai kasa neuloja syvälle ujutettu

 - tai kuin jalkani olisi tulessa."

(It feels like there is a knife going through my foot, or a bunch of needles that go 

really deep - or that my foot is on fire.) 

Drawing has helped me channel some of the pain.

I was so touched when the nurse brought me some orange lemonade. 

She didn't even know, but that is exactly the taste that has soothed me

 when I was sick as a child, so it made me really happy to drink some 

Jaffa at the Hospital. Nurses are the best <3

All ready to leave the hospital. The care was so good at Peijas, 

but I was so happy to make my way home.

Here's my top 5 most important things in life:

1. Friends and family

2. Improv and artistic projects

3. Health

4. Connecting with people and nature

5. Speaking my truth

What are yours?